Today’s Question For Your Uncommon Evolution: When your values conflict, which one usually wins?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about authenticity. Not because it’s a particularly new idea, but because it seems to be one of those words that everyone uses and very few people define. “Be yourself.” “Live authentically.” “Speak your truth.” The advice is everywhere, and on the surface, it sounds simple. Great, even. A path to ultimate happiness.
Can you sense the sarcasm?
It’s not that simple to live “authentically” for anyone. But for many millennial women of color especially, it can feel impossible both to (1) figure out what living “authentically” really even means and (2) start to move towards a life that reflects what you’ve figured out (if you ever figure it out!).
Much of the discourse around authenticity (for white people) centers around having the courage to be yourself. Live boldly in your truth. Stop conforming to societal expectations.
You get the idea. The underlying theme is there’s a person underneath the noise and living authentically means acting in accordance with that person at all times.
For millennial women of color, though, it’s way more complicated than that. For us, authenticity isn’t just about having the courage to “stop pretending.” It’s also, and sometimes more importantly, about trying to reconcile two parts of ourselves that both feel deeply, genuinely true.
This has certainly been the case with respect to transformation in my own life.
On the one (really large and really important) hand, I am my parent’s daughter. I attribute almost everything good that has happened in my life to them. They provided me such a strong foundation upon which I built this person – a person I really, really like, by the way – to go out into the world and succeed. I would do absolutely anything for their happiness and comfort – without conditions. I also genuinely value my strong Indian culture. I like showing up for the people I love. I care about being dependable. I want to contribute. I want the people around me to feel supported. None of those things feel performative to me. They don’t feel like obligations that have been forced upon me. They feel like real expressions of who I am.
And yet there is another part of me that is equally real.
It’s the part that has traveled full-time for two years simply because its interesting. The part that bought a house in Costa Rica because I knew the States wasn’t for me long-term. The part that wants to spend a Tuesday afternoon reading in a coffee shop instead of answering emails. The part that left social media. The part that decided, at forty years old, to become a therapist after spending fifteen years practicing law. The part that sees real value in training handbalancing or building community outside family or working on things that I like for no reason at all. The part that wants to follow curiosity simply because it exists, not because anyone else understands it.
That part feels authentic too.
The more I’ve reflected on this, the more I’ve realized that authenticity isn’t always just a choice between who our family or society wants us to be and who we want to become, especially for women of color. For me, and I think many women of color, this is definitely a factor but also, the conflict often exists on its own deep within ourselves.
We can authentically value tradition while also authentically craving freedom. We can authentically love caring for others while also authentically need space for ourselves. We can authentically appreciate the sacrifices our families made while also wanting lives that look very different from theirs.
I don’t think those tensions mean we’re confused.
I think they mean we’re human.
One of the things I’ve noticed in conversations with other millennial women of color is that we often feel pressure to choose a side. I certainly did. Either we become the daughter who never disappoints anyone, or we become the woman who rejects every expectation in the name of independence. Either we honor our culture completely, or we distance ourselves from it. Either we devote ourselves to caring for others, or we finally learn to care only for ourselves.
Real life rarely works that way.
I’ve started wondering if authenticity isn’t about choosing one identity over another. Maybe it’s about learning to hold both with honesty and allowing them to coexist. But I know – that’s sort of BS internet speak because what does one actually DO logically, every day, when we are trying to work through these contradictions?
For me, at first, I had a lot of tension around this conflict as I thought it meant I hadn’t figured myself out yet. I assumed there would eventually come a day when one version of me would win. Or I would feel authentic…whatever that means. Either I would become the woman who always put family first, or I’d become the fiercely independent woman who lived entirely on her own terms.
Now, I’m pretty sure neither version would be me because, well, they’re both me.
I think the mistake is believing authenticity requires us to choose between our deepest values and get to some mythical version of ourselves that is perfect.
The work then, the day-to-day, is not in deciding whether family matters more than freedom, or whether ambition matters more than peace, or whether loyalty matters more than curiosity.
The actual work, the day-to-day, the non-internet speak BS work is becoming conscious enough to recognize which value deserves to guide any one particular decision at a time.
You’re not (and I didn’t) going to have it magically worked out and become some version of yourself that has no hiccups. You are instead going to ask yourself, anytime you have a potentially impactful decision in front of you, which particular true value of yours deserves to guide this particular choice.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
Sometimes the answer will definitely be family or culture or responsibility, because those are true to who you are.
Sometimes, though, the answer will be freedom and adventure because, well, those are also you.
The point isn’t that one of those values is inherently more “authentic” than another.
The point is that you’re choosing, instead of automatically defaulting to the loudest expectation in the room (which yes, as women of color, may often be our parents, and our culture, and our society).
That realization has been incredibly freeing for me because it has changed the way I think about authenticity entirely. I no longer believe authenticity is about becoming one perfectly consistent version of yourself. I no longer think authenticity is choosing between your values to create a new person.
It’s choosing consciously among them, one decision at a time.
I love working with millennial women of color as they reconnect with themselves and build lives that feel authentic, intentional, and fully their own. I also genuinely love connecting with people and hearing their stories. If you want to share what this essay brought up for you, or if you’re a millennial woman of color who would like to work with me, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out through my Contact Page or email me directly at anjali@uncommonevolution.com.
