Today’s Question for Your Uncommon Evolution: When did practicality quietly become more important than possibility?
“What do you actually want?”
This is one of the simplest questions to ask, yet one of the hardest to answer.
When I ask women this question, I usually don’t get a response. I get a list of goals. And to be fair – that also used to be me.
“I want to get promoted.”
“I should probably lose weight.”
“I’ve been thinking about buying a house.”
“I need better work-life balance.”
But those aren’t necessarily true wants.
They are often obligations, expectations, or goals passed down from others.
For many millennial women of color, we have become skilled at reading the room instead of understanding ourselves.
We learned how to “succeed.”
We learned to make our families proud.
We learned to be responsible, dependable, ambitious, grateful, and resilient.
But no one taught us how to ask ourselves what we truly want.
We were rewarded for being adaptable. And in many cases, slightly more insidiously, we were rewarded for purely external definitions of success.
Many of us grew up navigating different worlds. I definitely did. Growing up as an Indian-American woman in southwest Florida with non-traditional, progressive parents, I wasn’t American (read: white) enough for the white kids but definitely (because of my amazing parents) not Indian enough for the Indian kids.
And this is a common story for most millennial women of color.
Some balanced different cultures at home and at school.
Some became the “good daughter,” the responsible sibling, or the reliable friend.
Some were the first in their family to graduate from college, enter corporate America, or achieve financial stability.
Adaptability became a survival skill.
The issue is that when you’re always adjusting to others’ expectations, your own voice fades.
Eventually, you stop asking yourself what feels right.
You start questioning what makes sense. Again, this was me. Every decision I had to make for a long term, I tried to optimize. I wanted to know what was the most practical, what would lead me on the path to being the most successful.
There’s a big problem there, though: Success doesn’t always feel like fulfillment.
This is why so many accomplished women wake up and wonder:
“Why am I unhappy? I did everything right.”
You earned the degree.
You built the career.
You checked all the boxes.
From the outside, your life appears successful.
Yet inside, something feels disconnected.
Not because of failure.
But because you’ve spent years aiming for goals you never consciously chose.
There’s a difference.
The Cost of Living on Autopilot
When you don’t know what you actually want, life feels oddly flat.
You keep achieving, but the thrill fades fast.
You agree when you want to decline.
You stay in jobs you’ve outgrown.
You pursue relationships that seem logical rather than fulfilling.
You spend years shaping a life you don’t truly enjoy.
That’s exhausting.
And it’s surprisingly common.
So How Do You Figure It Out?
Stop asking what you should want.
Instead, start focusing on yourself. Pay attention to how you feel.
Ask questions like:
When do I feel most alive?
What choices have I made because I truly wanted them?
What parts of my life exist mainly to meet someone else’s expectations?
If no one judged me, what would I spend my time doing?
What version of success feels meaningful to me?
Notice that none of these questions ask what looks impressive.
They ask what feels true.
Those are very different things.
Expect It to Feel Uncomfortable
Here’s the part no one mentions.
At first, you might lack answers.
That’s okay.
If you’ve spent twenty or thirty years prioritizing everyone else’s expectations, your own preferences won’t suddenly emerge overnight.
Finding yourself isn’t about a dramatic breakthrough.
It’s about paying attention.
Little by little.
Decision by decision.
You start noticing what energizes you.
What drains you.
What feels like performance.
What feels like home.
Over time, clarity takes the place of confusion.
You Don’t Need Another Productivity System
Most women who feel stuck don’t need a better planner.
They don’t need another morning routine.
They don’t need more discipline.
They need permission to stop building a life based on default settings.
Because once you know what you truly want, motivation shifts completely.
You’re no longer pushing yourself toward someone else’s idea of success.
You’re creating a life that’s genuinely yours.
And that’s a very different kind of work.
I love working with millennial women of color as they reconnect with themselves and build lives that feel authentic, intentional, and fully their own. I also genuinely love connecting with people and hearing their stories. If you want to share what this essay brought up for you, or if you’re a millennial woman of color who would like to work with me, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out through my Contact Page or email me directly at anjali@uncommonevolution.com.
